The hardest things

I had to wait a few days to post about this because I really wanted to think about what I wanted to say. Usually I just write. And blab. And not make much sense really....but this one is important to me. Last Thursday I had a coworker come up to my room after school and tell me that one of my students was going to a new school starting on Monday. The mom didn't tell anyone, including the kids, and after school just pulled their records. My heart sank. This little boy was special to me. This little boy has a rough family. He has many brothers and sisters who aren't the best role models for him. However, he has the sweetest soul. He is helpful, sweet, emotional and fragile. He works hard and wants to be good. He just has so much working against him. BUT HE HAS MADE SO MUCH PROGRESS! The week before he left was the best week he has ever had! I hardly had to remind him to do anything, he used the sweetest and kindest words when talking to others and he tried so hard in school.

So I ran downstairs hoping to catch him before he left our school for good. I bust through the doors and thankfully he was sitting on the steps while his brothers and sisters ran around him. I sat down next to him and put my arm around him and told him that I heard he gets to go to a new school and how exciting it was! I just looked at me. I asked if he was excited. He shook his head. I said "Oh don't be nervous! I know teachers at that school and they are so nice! They will look out for you!" He looked up at me and had tears in his eyes. You can only guess what happened next.....Miss Philips lost her mind. Niagara came out of my eye balls....instantly. I said in the most stable voice I could manage "Oh don't you worry! I know you'll miss me, and I will miss you, but you're going to do so great" Then he buried his face in my shoulder and kept crying. Guys I'm crying while I write this.....anyways to then make it worse I said "You know I love you buddy right?" and he goes "yes, and I love you" and let out a few little sobs. I mean. I was a wreck. I told him I had to go because I didn't want to 1-make it worse for him and 2-have people think I'm a crazy person. So I left. And proceeded to bawl my eyes out in my room for a few minutes before parent/teacher conferences started. Lovely.

The reason for this post though isn't to make you sad, well maybe a little.....cause I'm a brat....but it really made me realize that I'm scared for my kids when they leave me. Terrified actually. I had a soft spot for this little boy and I like to think that it helped him to progress so much! What if his next teacher doesn't....what if everyone we had accomplished is washed away in days because they don't see the good that I saw. These kids become our hearts and souls as teachers. We pour EVERYTHING into them. Making them better people and smarter people. Its not that I don't trust other teachers. But it is so easy to start the year off with a bad image of a child because of previous teachers opinions or siblings of the student. How is that fair to that child? They come into their school year not standing a chance because of a preconceived notion of who they are. Maybe they just haven't met the teacher that is going to change their life yet, maybe that teacher is you? Maybe not! Maybe they will be awful all year....its likely. Does that mean you won't give them a chance?

And no I'm not saying I've never done this....its kind of hard not to...but especially for this kids who are rough around their edges, all the edges, like jagged cliff rough.....those kids need even more chances. How hard is that? I'll tell you. Its really freaking hard. But I think that in the long term it will make life better. And I'm speaking to teachers, moms, dads, babysitters, myself and basically everyone. Give second chances. If we all took a moment before judging a person or child based on something we've heard, maybe this world will be a little happier? I don't know its just a thought.

Think positive

I need to do this. All the time. At least once every hour. Positive thoughts. So here we go. Positives from the week so far.....DISCLAIMER! Some of these might start out negative but turn positive. Just bare with me.....

1-Monday was a day for sure. Desks were thrown, chairs were thrown, I was cussed out, and students were chatty. BUT a student who has literally never had a good day, a student who is so bossy and obsessive about what others are doing that he never actually does anything correctly himself. HE WAS AMAZING! Legit one of my favorite kids that day. I have never been so proud of him.

2-Tuesday......I found out I was going to have some vice principals from other school in our district coming into my class to observe my kids. If that didn't put enough pressure on me, one of my most special friends decided to have the most elaborate fit of all time only 15 minutes before they were suppose to be in my room. He deeeeeeeeeestroyed his desk and the surrounding area. Flipped the desk and multiple chairs, threw the contents of his desk alllllll over and screamed that I was an "idiot teacher who teaches boring stupid math that I aint gonna do!". This was during a math test mind you......so we ignored him and let him get all his angries out. After a while he just started to cry sitting in the middle of his destruction. I walked over and took his hand and had him sit by my feet while I taught. He eventually calmed himself down and decided that it was a good idea to go pick up his desk. HE MADE THIS CHOICE ON HIS OWN! So he cleaned it up and came back to my feet. Right then, the VPs walked in. Praise Jesus on this timing! THEN to make things even more wonderful my kids rocked the math lesson that was being watched and gave the most amazing answers to very deep thinking questions, after one answer I think I actually said "that answer was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard...." with baby tears in my eyes.....I'm sure that these vice principals think Im some kind of quack...whatever I don't even care my kids rocked!!!!

3-Wednesday-One of my team mates was out today and didn't have a sub so myself and the other 1st grade teacher split her kids up into our rooms, we each had about 8 or 9 extra kids. THATS A LOT! However, they were great! The day could have totally crumbled around our feet but it didn't! THATS A WIN!

4-My special friend had a royal fit today because he didn't want to do something. Screaming, crying, kicking, hitting and serious angry face going on...we were in the office to call mom and I was holding him on my lap while our secretary called mom. She got mom on the phone and he refused to talk to her. Like straight up reeeeeefused. Then, as if he wasn't already spiraling, he got worse. Here is the positive! I was able to calm him down. If you don't want to hear me brag about myself a little then dont read on :) This little man screamed at me, like so loud I thought my ear drums were going to bleed. I never lost my cool, I kept asking him calmly to tell me what he wanted instead of screaming it at me. After 5 times of this HE TOLD ME AND DIDNT SCREAM! I was so excited. Then I asked him to go sit in the corner AND HE DID! Like I was so so so so happy :)

Sometimes the best positives come out of a negative. You just have to make it through the yucky to get to the happy!

This week....

Man this week really sucked. I understand that not every day is going to go the way that I want, thats life, but like I could go without a whole week of that....There was a dead mouse in my room....probably for days and I didn't know it. There were like 9 in the room next to me (that poor woman). My kids were in rare form. Lots of tears. Lots of anger. Lots of talking......loooooooooots of talking.....My fuse was short. It was bad. The kicker? It was a 4 day week. Sometimes I think that 4 day weeks actually seem longer than 5 day weeks! Some of my kids don't sleep well at home, or eat well and that makes a 3 day weekend especially hard on their little bodies and their minds. So when they come back to school they are soooooo not ready to learn. I understand, but that still doesn't change that teachers have to get things done. We have to teach you! We have to test you. I wish I could tell my kids all the things I have to do and they would understand and be like "awwww Miss Philips thats hard! Ill be awesome today so you can get everything you want to do, done" and I would be like "YES! Thank you for understanding! Yay for being awesome! Here's some candy and donuts." But I can't do that.....so since I'm the adult in this situation, and since I can control my emotions and the situations around me better than they can I guess I will suck it up and do my best.

Things Miss Philips needs to work on:
-organization.....thats like a big one.....if you could just see my classroom...I'm actually not surprised there was a dead mouse in there...it died of shock. Okay Im being dramatic, a little...
-Patience, also a big one
-Being kind to everyone. I can get a little attitude-y....
-Giving myself a break once and a while. Sometimes I stress myself out for no reason and that just silly!!!
-Focusing on the positive at least once a day-a friend reminded me to do that this week and it actually fixed my stinky mood. If I did that every day at least once I would like to think that my days would be much better :)

There is still one day left in this weekend :) I am using it for sleep, work, organizing my life a little (maybe..) and smiling. Happy Saturday!

How do I separate myself from my work?

*DISCLAIMER: This is a long and mushy post. I take no offense if you don't want to read it :) I'm also quite positive that I contradict myself 3 or 4 times through this post.....so if you are bothered by that...sorry...

The answer to that is: I can't.... No teacher does. Some people can have a really crappy day at work and then come home and not have to think about it anymore! And no I'm not saying that EVERYONE can. I understand that other people have really stressful jobs too that they can't just walk away from at 5. But I can't speak for them because I'm not them....I'm a teacher. So I can speak for me. I don't want people who are reading this to think "My goodness teachers complain a lot"....like, ya maybe we do, but so do you......anyway, so its really hard to know what my kids go through and what their home life is like and then just drive away in my rather new car that doesn't smell like smoke and come home to my house that has heat and a couch and not feel a little bit sad for them.

There are kids who have experienced more in their short 6 years of life than I probably ever will. Anyone who knows me also knows that I cry.....like at everything. I get too happy, I cry, I get too sad, I cry, I laugh too hard, I cry......its really basically a constant thing. So sometimes its a miracle that I'm not just always crying during the day. However on Friday I had a moment. It was picture day and the kids were allowed to wear whatever they wanted. THIS IS A BIG DEAL. Kids sometimes legit wear suits. Its the cutest thing ever. One of my kids came up to me with his jacket all the way zipped up and told me that he didn't have any nice clothes to wear because they were living in a shelter and so he just had his uniform clothes. I held in my tears enough to tell him that he looked so handsome in blue and that his pictures would turn out awesome. Thankfully this child eats up compliments so he smiled this huge smile and went and sat down. I proceeded to go out in the hallway and cry while telling my co-workers what he had told me. I work with amazing people so they made it a point to also tell this student at different times that day how handsome he looked. I cannot even imagine what life for this child is like. How can I expect him to bring a book bag, folder, homework and be focused all day long when he knows what he is going back to when he leaves. However, I am expected to do this. Clearly I have a heart, so I cut him some slack, but kids like structure and they like to know what is expected of them. So hopefully having a structured school life brings this little boy some comfort.

I also have another little boy who told me about how his moms friend came to help her get her car started and was shot in front of their house and killed. I can't even begin to relate to that. How do I help these kids cope with such incredibly tragic and terrifying things?! I do my best but I sometimes worry its not enough.

What I have come to realize though is this: I do separate myself from my work to some extent. If I didn't, if I let all the stories I have heard through my day and all the situations I have witnessed run around in my head and my heart I would never stop crying. I wouldn't be able to take it. I would literally crumble and not be able to function. Which is so weak....I realize this...because I'm not actually the person going through it. But if I could I would adopt as many of these children as possible. I see such potential is these young people, but they have too many hurdles and crappy stuff in their way that they can't reach it without help. I want to be their help. I have to be, or I don't feel like I have done my job. Walk in to my school and you will see so many teachers in there just like me. Im sure if you walk into any school you will find these people. We might seem tough and strict....and we are...but we have to be for these kids. They have become a part of us. There is no separating that really. 

Deep breaths

Monday was good! The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, there was a rainbow and I found $50 on the sidewalk! Okay the last 2 were a lie....but it was good. My kids were good! I felt accomplished. That never happens on Mondays.....usually....BUT HEY! Ill take it! Smiles all around!

Then Tuesday hit.
Doom
Darkness....
My head was in a fog. My kids were out of their minds. All of them. Except maybe 2. At one point a teacher came into my room to grab a student to test them on their reading level....I was standing next to my computer while 2 kids literally stood on their desks stomping their little feet and another laid on the floor squiggling around like a crazy worm. How does that even happen?!?!?! What is going through your mind as a child that makes you think "Probably the best choice I could make right now is to crawl on top of my desk and the repeatedly stomp my feet. I bet my teacher will love it." It makes me a little sad for them. Then it makes me angry. But mostly it makes me tired. Really tired.

Cue Wednesday.
On the up and up. What I have noticed is that my class goes in waves. We have an AMAZING DAY! Then the next day, rock bottom, and from there we build up to another amazing day! I just have to remember to wear stretchy pants on the days that should be rock bottom....to be safe ill just wear stretchy pants every day. I can't risk it. Anyways. Both of my really tough boys stayed in my room today ALL DAY! That doesn't happen a lot. So its exciting.
Here is my proud teacher moment of the day: My students had lost 10 minutes of their recess that they get after lunch for wasting my time with talking while I tired to teach. Our vice principal takes the 1st grade classes from lunch out to the playground and then we meet them outside. They are usually outside for a little bit before we get out there so even though I told my class they lost time at lunch they will probably get to play because I'm not out there to enforce it. We walk outside and low and behold who is sitting on the line watching the other classes play? My whole class. Sitting like little perfect children. The first thing that went through my head was "crap. they got in trouble at lunch" So I got to my kids and asked one why they were sitting "Miss Philips you told us we owed you 10 minutes! So we sat" SCORE! THEY WERE HONEST AND FOLLOWED MY DIRECTION ON THEIR OWN! So I let them go play.....haha

Here is to hoping that Thursday is a good day!

This rough little boy seems to hate everything, except holding my hand.

Compassion

Its safe to say that most teachers feel accomplished or proud of their students when they grow in reading or math or some academic thing that they have been struggling with. I mean its kinda what we are there to do.....help them grow academically. HOWEVER! I feel more pride and accomplishment for my kids and for myself when my students grow as people. Little tiny people. I feel accomplished because, well, I helped them become that kind little person. They watch me. They watch other teachers. The principals. Janitors. Basically any adult they are around. They watch. They learn. They listen. That is completely terrifying. Sadly, I see more and more adults treating children like they are nothing, cussing around them, saying terribly innappripriate things around them and justifying it with "Oh they aren't even paying attention" UM HI WRONG! So wrong....they are little sponges! They hear you. So quit cussing in front of them, quit talking about adult things in front of them. They need to be children. Let them be children. They should love coloring and playgrounds.

That was a little tangent....I'm going somewhere with this. Promise :)

Okay so Friday. Friday was great. My rough and tumble kiddos were having a good day, it was getting chilly and feeling like fall....it was just great. Anyways. We were out at recess. MANNNNNN do I love recess. For the obvious reasons: 1. I get to be outside 2. Its a break from our day (and we need those, teachers and students) and 3. The conversations we have with our kids during recess are the best conversations I have all week.

So while at recess a little girl was running and she tripped and fell on concrete. This little darling is a little....ummm....dramatic anyways. So of course...out of all the kids to fall it had to be her...We hurried over to her as she was laying on the ground preparing to die (clearly not actually die but shes dramatic so she probably thought thats what was happening) and a couple other kids follow, because who doesn't love good drama. And Madame McTrips-a-lot was crying and gasping and this little boy, who is a rough, tough and angry little dude most of the time goes up to her and says "Don't worry! I fell today too, and look at my hands! Theyre okay! No blood! You'll be okay!" and while he is saying this he is like putting a comforting hand on her. STOP IT RIGHT NOW IT WAS THE SWEETEST THING IVE EVER SEEN. And although I didn't cry in the moment...I just teared up writing it...It was just awesome. And then without asking or being asked another little girl bends down and starts to tie the wounded girls shoes for her. I mean....I didn't even think to do that! IM THE TEACHER AND THE ADULT HERE! I was so overwhelmed with pride for these little friends helping each other. So we stayed outside for an extra 10 minutes....

I see this a lot. Kids want to help. They want to love each other. Sometimes they just don't know how. They might not have ever seen someone help another person, or speak kindly to them. It is up to us to show them what compassion is. Compassion fixes broken things. Compassion changes things.

Middle of the week blues

Today:
-My temper was short
-My voice got loud
-My compassion was on short supply
-I rolled my eyes....like a 6 year old....

Tomorrow:
-I will be quick to love and listen
-I will take deep breaths when I need to (every 4 minutes)
-My voice will stay at a reasonable level...probably
-If I feel like rolling my eyes I will just close them instead :)

HOWEVER! At recess we found a used pen and a press on nail. So.....theres that